Communication is a two-way operation that involves sending and receiving signals. Empowered communicators learn to receive signals so they can be proactive rather than reactive to what they send. When communicating, step into the shoes of the other person. Read body language, tone of voice, statements, and silences. Investigate the employee's motivation and fear.

Remember, your goal is to get enough information so you can work with the person to resolve problems and increase productivity. A yes/no (or closed) question will only give you a yes or no answer. A question that begins with "why" puts people on the defensive. Think about how you react when asked questions such as, "Why were you late? Why do you act like that? "

Who, what, where, and how questions involve the other person. "What leads you to make that decision? How can we work together on solving this problem? Who else is affected when you're late? When do you think you can start working towards this new goal?" It takes practice to self-edit and reframe your questioning techniques because we're conditioned to accuse and assume, not to accumulate information.

So often our good intentions prompt us to provide solutions to people's problems when they don't actually want advice, but instead simply want to be heard. Comments such as, "That must be painful for you. You sound angry. It seems like you're feeling frustrated, " might seem weak and even ineffectual if you're used to communicating directly and giving orders. But the up-front investment is worth the results generated by this kind of listening. Once people feel genuinely heard, they'll entrust you with more information, which is what you want because it gives you control.

Essentially you are taking responsibility for your feelings. You are not, I repeat NOT, blaming the employee for his or her actions, but you are pointing out how his or her behavior affects your feelings. To begin, comment on observable factual behaviors and state the consequences. Finish with involving the employee in a collaborative resolution

Here's an example: "When you give me your reports at the last minute (fact), I feel frustrated because I must rush and wonder if I'm not catching errors and I end up barking at you (give consequences that matter to them.) I wish you would give me more lead time (ask for behavior change in terms of "start doing a" versus "stop doing b") so that we'll both be less stressed (state the benefits). What do you think? " (the script should be onscreen with accompanying comments in parentheses).